rinoahyuna (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rinoahyuna) wrote2019-03-06 02:10 am
rinoahyuna) wrote2019-03-06 02:10 am
Entry tags:
{033} Whine, and wait for the world to simper
Pimp
Ohmiya/Sakumoto (if you squint)
R (Crack?), 2069 words
Based on this crack-tastic confession from this guy about his dick ending up on a questionable website after a random hook up. My apologies to Matsumoto-san’s dick, truly.
Crossposted to AO3 if you want to read it there XD
As much as Jun dislikes the irritating fact that his band mates tend to act like bunch of idiots on a semi-regular basis, he soldiers on and tries not to let the fact upset him much.
It’s been years, and it should be obvious that after being friends with these idiots for so long, (and knowing them for far longer) it’s only normal to at least find some way to learn how he should live his life without ending up regretting it every day knowing that those other four are as much part of it as their standing idiocy, because apparently, that’s just how his life is from the moment he agreed to be a part of Arashi.
The thing is, it somehow amazes him that there’s still this part of him that often wonders why this is his life, finds himself half-wondering how his day could get any worst when it already started halfway bad - obviously, discovering Aiba on the floor on his knees at Nino's feet this early, whining and looking far too apologetic despite obviously being relatively sober, and Nino smirking on his perch on the couch, brandishing his phone at Aiba's face like a god are hint enough, and long association with these bunch of embarrassment he considered friends could only mean two things.
One, Aiba probably did something horrifically stupid to warrant the way Ninomiya is acting so high and mighty, and two, that Aiba probably did do something horrifically stupid to warrant the way Nino is acting like a god high on drugs, without actually realizing he did.
He doesn’t want to get his hopes up but he’s already scared it could be both.
He puts his bag down and assesses the situation despite his better judgments, frowns at the sight of the four dorks he considers friends and honestly feels scared for his own well-being, knowing that sooner rather than later, he’ll have to be the sensible one (again) who has to make sure this isn’t something worthy enough of an upper management audience, because fuck knows they’ve got enough of that to last them a lifetime.
On the couch where Jun is expecting to find their Leader snoozing, he's not. In fact, the older man looks like he, too, has somewhat developed a similarly disturbing godly behavior, pointing at Aiba and grinning like a man possessed.
Sho, on the opposite couch, looks slightly constipated. Jun is certain it is because he is trying to hold his laughter in, and is obviously failing.
"What," he starts, once he's all the way inside and has managed to lock the door behind him calmly, without alerting any of the standby ADs outside. "in God's name is happening here? Aiba-chan, get up, what are you doing kneeling there like that. Ninomiya, what -"
"Ask him," Nino cuts in, laughing hysterically as if he couldn’t exactly help it before Jun can even get another word out. “No, seriously, ask him.”
He darts his gaze from Nino to the crestfallen or more likely terrified look on Aiba’s face and feels a headache coming.
Jesus, it’s not even nine yet – too early still for him to deal with shit like this, half-regretting his manager’s offer to get him his coffee on their way here, damn it - and here he is, already feeling exhausted despite the fact that his work day hasn’t even technically started yet. He should have said yes, he thinks, if only he knows this is the first thing he’ll find the second he steps foot into the greenroom, but as it is, he didn’t.
God damn it all.
“Do I even want to?” he mutters and crosses his arms over his chest, glancing towards Sho on the opposite couch for confirmation. The older man, however, simply shrugs - the jerk - but he spies the older man trying to hide his giggles behind his newspaper, but obviously failing. Jun honestly feels like snatching it away, but decides against it for the time being, or at least for as long as he possibly could.
“Fine,” he grumbles, taking his attention back to the other three making a bigger spectacle on the other side of the room. “Fine, just tell me so we can get this over with, the sooner the better. We’ve got tons of stuff to finish today after all and as much as I want to –“
“Know that your dick is internet popular?” Nino cuts in, suavely, following it swiftly with a curt, “Well, because it is,” waving his phone mirthfully as if to prove his point.
He frowns, his mouth forming the word before he even realized it. “What?” and promptly ignoring Aiba rolling on the floor and obviously trying his hardest to disappear under the couch.
Nino smiles at him, showing all of his teeth and his oddly-colored purple gums.
“See, I was browsing through this porn site, yeah?“ Nino continues with a completely straight face, then pauses to give Ohno a glare when their leader snorts on cue, then huffs, probably thinks it is better to ignore their Leader at this point, shrugs in defiance and opens his mouth once again to continue. Jun forces his brain to un-filter the words ‘porn site’ and your dick’ despite the gnawing itch to stop Nino right there, knowing he won’t be able to get into the bottom of things if he allows his temper get the best of him this early.
He breathes through his nose and starts counting to twenty, then continues to thirty for good measure, before giving his attention back to Nino.
“So, it’s the one where you can watch videos for free, but with irritating ads popping up on the screen every thirty seconds, right?” Nino continues, unperturbed, as Jun valiantly tries to keep his expression neutral, despite the blinding urge to gag and make a puking face at Nino right there.
“Yeah, J, keep judging me, but listen because this is the part where it starts to get better,” Nino follows with a high-pitched squeal as he shifts sideways to Ohno on the couch.
“So, I clicked on this video, yeah, and then an ad popped up, as expected. Yeah, you guessed it right, J; it’s a penis enlargement pill ad pop up and I swear to Moses and all his dead constituents that I had to scramble over the table for my mouse so I could pause the damn thing because I saw something very familiar. You know what that is?” Nino asks, eyes wide in anticipation that Jun feels his own stomach trip up his throat in combined confusion and something else, something that feels entirely similar to worry bubbling up his windpipe.
“Someone’s dick. A very familiar-looking dick. Not your dick of course, because, who the fuck knows what it looks like, right? I don’t, of course but I recognized the owner of the other familiar dick so I confronted him and he then told me that the other model dick on the penis enlargement pill ad is yours. Apparently, he knows this is the case because he saw them first himself, a few months after he voluntarily sent the dick photos to this chick he met on online.”
What? “What?” he finds himself asking, feeling rather unsure whether he’s hearing Nino perfectly or if the bastard is talking in a completely foreign language that he totally couldn’t understand because – “Who’s dick?” he ends up asking anyway, despite his confusion lingering.
Nino opens his mouth to answer, mouth forming the words ‘Your dick’ but Aiba striding towards him on his knees, bowing so low his forehead is touching the floor, beats Nino to it.
“Matsumoto-san, I’m so sorry!”
++
It’s at this point that he feels particularly murderous.
“You did what with my what?!” he half-screams, though he is trying his hardest to keep his temper reigned in, his voice down. Aiba remains on the floor by his feet while Sho is on his right, arms branded around him tightly for good measure though he feel Sho’s whole body vibrate with barely-concealed mirth.
On the couch, Nino is losing it, bent over on his side laughing his guts out, head lolling on Ohno’s lap. Their Leader, on the other hand, seems more interested in watching Nino make a complete fool of himself other than the fact that one of his band mates might end up dead before the hour is up, soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips even when it’s obvious that he is making sure he’s carefully holding Nino in place or risk having him burst his head open if Nino ends up rolling on the floor accidentally.
God forgive him but he’s going to kill them all. One by one, with his own bare hands.
“I swear I didn’t know it would end up there!” Aiba hollers, cringing behind the couch’s back and making numerous failed attempts at hitting Nino upside the head to shut him up. “I promise! I mean, she doesn’t look like the type who would post someone’s dick in a website as a freaking model dick for an ad, I swear to you!”
Nino doubles over on Ohno’s lap, cackling like an insane parrot as if the very image of Aiba’s confession is the most hilarious thing he’s ever had the opportunity to hear, let alone witness. Jun throws him a glare that would have sent anyone else packing, but for some reason, it doesn’t work on Nino. Not really.
The fact only makes him want to start with Nino, all things considered.
He looks down at his hand holding Nino’s phone and squints yet again to the photo of his dick blinking on the screen, wincing mentally at the pill’s name plastered just below his balls and contemplating throwing Nino’s phone on the wall and cursing them all.
He doesn’t, though, because despite his anger simmering under the surface, he knows it’s more the embarrassment that propels him to want to throw his band mates out of the building and have them run over by a bus for good measure. He wants to deny Aiba’s claim, but doing so will only make Ninomiya want to prove it’s authenticity by catching him off-guard, naked and vulnerable, camera aimed at his dick to prove him wrong.
Somehow, he could see it happening, because Nino is a bastard and a sadist rolled into one and he could very well expect Nino to act like it if dared. It’s not like he wants to, because as much as he feels like bashing all of their heads into a wall and be done with it, he knows this incident is a done thing and he can’t honestly think of anything to reverse it.
Sighing and taking another peek at his dick on Nino’s phone’s screen, he hears the sound of Nino’s giggles, muffled though they are against Ohno’s crotch, and his anger bubbles out of him yet again.
It’s harsh, and cruel, and Aiba at least wasn’t stupid enough to send a photo of his dick - their dicks - with his face attached to it, but still.
It’s his dick and the fact that what Nino said about his dick being internet famous pisses him off more, now. Not because of the fact that it’s there, bared for everyone to see but because of the embarrassing fact that it’s been posted there for a reason.
Obviously, it’s because of this : You visit the site and see this dick, and it’s the kind of dick you seriously don’t want your dick to look like, plastered in a questionable website, the one you’d accidentally see and would want to buy the pills for immediately so your own dick wouldn’t end up like the poor, model dick, and that, in itself, is oddly depressing, because Jun was born a star.
A winner. And not at all as someone whose junk ends up getting scrutinized in a dirty website as the loser dick.
And this is all Aiba’s fault.
He turns to find Aiba rolling on the floor towards the door, and the decision came to him so fast he is wriggling out of Sho’s grasp before Sho could even react.
He bares his teeth and lungs forward with a hiss, vaguely hearing Sho and Ohno yelling for Aiba’s name, ducking, barely catching Aiba’s left leg before they both drop on the floor in a tangled heap.
“Aiba-chan, run!”
Ohmiya/Sakumoto (if you squint)
R (Crack?), 2069 words
Based on this crack-tastic confession from this guy about his dick ending up on a questionable website after a random hook up. My apologies to Matsumoto-san’s dick, truly.
Crossposted to AO3 if you want to read it there XD
As much as Jun dislikes the irritating fact that his band mates tend to act like bunch of idiots on a semi-regular basis, he soldiers on and tries not to let the fact upset him much.
It’s been years, and it should be obvious that after being friends with these idiots for so long, (and knowing them for far longer) it’s only normal to at least find some way to learn how he should live his life without ending up regretting it every day knowing that those other four are as much part of it as their standing idiocy, because apparently, that’s just how his life is from the moment he agreed to be a part of Arashi.
The thing is, it somehow amazes him that there’s still this part of him that often wonders why this is his life, finds himself half-wondering how his day could get any worst when it already started halfway bad - obviously, discovering Aiba on the floor on his knees at Nino's feet this early, whining and looking far too apologetic despite obviously being relatively sober, and Nino smirking on his perch on the couch, brandishing his phone at Aiba's face like a god are hint enough, and long association with these bunch of embarrassment he considered friends could only mean two things.
One, Aiba probably did something horrifically stupid to warrant the way Ninomiya is acting so high and mighty, and two, that Aiba probably did do something horrifically stupid to warrant the way Nino is acting like a god high on drugs, without actually realizing he did.
He doesn’t want to get his hopes up but he’s already scared it could be both.
He puts his bag down and assesses the situation despite his better judgments, frowns at the sight of the four dorks he considers friends and honestly feels scared for his own well-being, knowing that sooner rather than later, he’ll have to be the sensible one (again) who has to make sure this isn’t something worthy enough of an upper management audience, because fuck knows they’ve got enough of that to last them a lifetime.
On the couch where Jun is expecting to find their Leader snoozing, he's not. In fact, the older man looks like he, too, has somewhat developed a similarly disturbing godly behavior, pointing at Aiba and grinning like a man possessed.
Sho, on the opposite couch, looks slightly constipated. Jun is certain it is because he is trying to hold his laughter in, and is obviously failing.
"What," he starts, once he's all the way inside and has managed to lock the door behind him calmly, without alerting any of the standby ADs outside. "in God's name is happening here? Aiba-chan, get up, what are you doing kneeling there like that. Ninomiya, what -"
"Ask him," Nino cuts in, laughing hysterically as if he couldn’t exactly help it before Jun can even get another word out. “No, seriously, ask him.”
He darts his gaze from Nino to the crestfallen or more likely terrified look on Aiba’s face and feels a headache coming.
Jesus, it’s not even nine yet – too early still for him to deal with shit like this, half-regretting his manager’s offer to get him his coffee on their way here, damn it - and here he is, already feeling exhausted despite the fact that his work day hasn’t even technically started yet. He should have said yes, he thinks, if only he knows this is the first thing he’ll find the second he steps foot into the greenroom, but as it is, he didn’t.
God damn it all.
“Do I even want to?” he mutters and crosses his arms over his chest, glancing towards Sho on the opposite couch for confirmation. The older man, however, simply shrugs - the jerk - but he spies the older man trying to hide his giggles behind his newspaper, but obviously failing. Jun honestly feels like snatching it away, but decides against it for the time being, or at least for as long as he possibly could.
“Fine,” he grumbles, taking his attention back to the other three making a bigger spectacle on the other side of the room. “Fine, just tell me so we can get this over with, the sooner the better. We’ve got tons of stuff to finish today after all and as much as I want to –“
“Know that your dick is internet popular?” Nino cuts in, suavely, following it swiftly with a curt, “Well, because it is,” waving his phone mirthfully as if to prove his point.
He frowns, his mouth forming the word before he even realized it. “What?” and promptly ignoring Aiba rolling on the floor and obviously trying his hardest to disappear under the couch.
Nino smiles at him, showing all of his teeth and his oddly-colored purple gums.
“See, I was browsing through this porn site, yeah?“ Nino continues with a completely straight face, then pauses to give Ohno a glare when their leader snorts on cue, then huffs, probably thinks it is better to ignore their Leader at this point, shrugs in defiance and opens his mouth once again to continue. Jun forces his brain to un-filter the words ‘porn site’ and your dick’ despite the gnawing itch to stop Nino right there, knowing he won’t be able to get into the bottom of things if he allows his temper get the best of him this early.
He breathes through his nose and starts counting to twenty, then continues to thirty for good measure, before giving his attention back to Nino.
“So, it’s the one where you can watch videos for free, but with irritating ads popping up on the screen every thirty seconds, right?” Nino continues, unperturbed, as Jun valiantly tries to keep his expression neutral, despite the blinding urge to gag and make a puking face at Nino right there.
“Yeah, J, keep judging me, but listen because this is the part where it starts to get better,” Nino follows with a high-pitched squeal as he shifts sideways to Ohno on the couch.
“So, I clicked on this video, yeah, and then an ad popped up, as expected. Yeah, you guessed it right, J; it’s a penis enlargement pill ad pop up and I swear to Moses and all his dead constituents that I had to scramble over the table for my mouse so I could pause the damn thing because I saw something very familiar. You know what that is?” Nino asks, eyes wide in anticipation that Jun feels his own stomach trip up his throat in combined confusion and something else, something that feels entirely similar to worry bubbling up his windpipe.
“Someone’s dick. A very familiar-looking dick. Not your dick of course, because, who the fuck knows what it looks like, right? I don’t, of course but I recognized the owner of the other familiar dick so I confronted him and he then told me that the other model dick on the penis enlargement pill ad is yours. Apparently, he knows this is the case because he saw them first himself, a few months after he voluntarily sent the dick photos to this chick he met on online.”
What? “What?” he finds himself asking, feeling rather unsure whether he’s hearing Nino perfectly or if the bastard is talking in a completely foreign language that he totally couldn’t understand because – “Who’s dick?” he ends up asking anyway, despite his confusion lingering.
Nino opens his mouth to answer, mouth forming the words ‘Your dick’ but Aiba striding towards him on his knees, bowing so low his forehead is touching the floor, beats Nino to it.
“Matsumoto-san, I’m so sorry!”
++
It’s at this point that he feels particularly murderous.
“You did what with my what?!” he half-screams, though he is trying his hardest to keep his temper reigned in, his voice down. Aiba remains on the floor by his feet while Sho is on his right, arms branded around him tightly for good measure though he feel Sho’s whole body vibrate with barely-concealed mirth.
On the couch, Nino is losing it, bent over on his side laughing his guts out, head lolling on Ohno’s lap. Their Leader, on the other hand, seems more interested in watching Nino make a complete fool of himself other than the fact that one of his band mates might end up dead before the hour is up, soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips even when it’s obvious that he is making sure he’s carefully holding Nino in place or risk having him burst his head open if Nino ends up rolling on the floor accidentally.
God forgive him but he’s going to kill them all. One by one, with his own bare hands.
“I swear I didn’t know it would end up there!” Aiba hollers, cringing behind the couch’s back and making numerous failed attempts at hitting Nino upside the head to shut him up. “I promise! I mean, she doesn’t look like the type who would post someone’s dick in a website as a freaking model dick for an ad, I swear to you!”
Nino doubles over on Ohno’s lap, cackling like an insane parrot as if the very image of Aiba’s confession is the most hilarious thing he’s ever had the opportunity to hear, let alone witness. Jun throws him a glare that would have sent anyone else packing, but for some reason, it doesn’t work on Nino. Not really.
The fact only makes him want to start with Nino, all things considered.
He looks down at his hand holding Nino’s phone and squints yet again to the photo of his dick blinking on the screen, wincing mentally at the pill’s name plastered just below his balls and contemplating throwing Nino’s phone on the wall and cursing them all.
He doesn’t, though, because despite his anger simmering under the surface, he knows it’s more the embarrassment that propels him to want to throw his band mates out of the building and have them run over by a bus for good measure. He wants to deny Aiba’s claim, but doing so will only make Ninomiya want to prove it’s authenticity by catching him off-guard, naked and vulnerable, camera aimed at his dick to prove him wrong.
Somehow, he could see it happening, because Nino is a bastard and a sadist rolled into one and he could very well expect Nino to act like it if dared. It’s not like he wants to, because as much as he feels like bashing all of their heads into a wall and be done with it, he knows this incident is a done thing and he can’t honestly think of anything to reverse it.
Sighing and taking another peek at his dick on Nino’s phone’s screen, he hears the sound of Nino’s giggles, muffled though they are against Ohno’s crotch, and his anger bubbles out of him yet again.
It’s harsh, and cruel, and Aiba at least wasn’t stupid enough to send a photo of his dick - their dicks - with his face attached to it, but still.
It’s his dick and the fact that what Nino said about his dick being internet famous pisses him off more, now. Not because of the fact that it’s there, bared for everyone to see but because of the embarrassing fact that it’s been posted there for a reason.
Obviously, it’s because of this : You visit the site and see this dick, and it’s the kind of dick you seriously don’t want your dick to look like, plastered in a questionable website, the one you’d accidentally see and would want to buy the pills for immediately so your own dick wouldn’t end up like the poor, model dick, and that, in itself, is oddly depressing, because Jun was born a star.
A winner. And not at all as someone whose junk ends up getting scrutinized in a dirty website as the loser dick.
And this is all Aiba’s fault.
He turns to find Aiba rolling on the floor towards the door, and the decision came to him so fast he is wriggling out of Sho’s grasp before Sho could even react.
He bares his teeth and lungs forward with a hiss, vaguely hearing Sho and Ohno yelling for Aiba’s name, ducking, barely catching Aiba’s left leg before they both drop on the floor in a tangled heap.
“Aiba-chan, run!”